Exiled

A few nights ago, I lay in bed in the limbo between being asleep and awake, that time when you're not sure whether the blurred reel of images playing in your head are those of a dream or of conscious, willful thinking. I couldn't exit this state and return to a solid slumber because I really just had to pee. Half-aware of the fact that I was in a bed, somewhere, under the covers, I had the strongest, irrefutable sense that I was in my bed at home - my childhood home. But that wasn't the weird part, as I am frequently confused and disoriented about my whereabouts when I wake up. Rather, envisioning this me in my Briarcliff house included an archaic version of my bedroom, with one twin bed, instead of the two shoved together, pushed against the back wall. And next to me, on layers of stacked comforters on the floor, was Kiran. She too was hidden, with only her long black hair peaking out from beneath a blanket. That is how we slept. Sometimes, if we had watched a scary movie, she would want to sleep in the bed with me, and I'd say no :)

I believed this was where I was. At 6:39 a.m., I recognized the unmistakable urge to pee, so I finally set one bare foot after the other down on the cold wood floor, bleary-eyed and annoyed at the nuisance of necessary bodily processes. And then I remembered how far I was from the place I was so certain, mere seconds before, that I was in. The sinking feeling was like something plummeting inside my stomach. Again, just like the thousands of other similar instances, reality came flooding back to me... about what day it is, what year it is, what that means about who I am and where I am and all that has happened.

After I got back into bed, vowing to sleep for as long as possible, I felt the desperate longing that has become all too familiar, one that has grown to be a part of me. The longing itself is mine, but it is also for something that is, or was, mine. That is the worst part about losing something that was so yours that you never had to worry about it leaving you: you never rid yourself of your sense of entitlement to it. You forever wonder how that part of you chipped off, where it is floating in the world, and how to reclaim it. Even in accepting loss, we try, many times in vain, to fill a hole where what we once knew and loved existed. We are haunted by the strange, ever-present inkling that a part of us is missing.

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I am now at my parents' house in Westchester, and I woke up in that old bedroom this morning. With the anticipation of winter break, spending time with family, my first birthday and holiday season without Kiran, and the tides of sadness that swallow me whole, unexpectedly, every now and then, I've been thinking a lot about homesickness. Not just in the literal sense, but about the entire concept of the uncanny feeling that what you know is far, far away. I feel somewhat better and consoled in NY; the past few days have eased my anxiety - running around in the dirty snow on the Upper East Side, screaming for cabs in the Meatpacking District, Jamaal telling me the sounds from the street are keeping him up while, to me, they are my silence. I feel... somewhat normal.

Still, a part of what I know to be home in my heart is gone forever. Where do we go, where do we look, to find peace when home no longer exists?

****************************************************

Later that day, last week in Chicago, I got an email from Meg, saying she was home sick. I responded asking if she wanted to talk about it, reassuring her that a few days in Vermont over Christmas would soothe her. She wrote back, saying "Oh I'm not homesick! I am home sick! I had to take the day off because I feel like total crap."

I laughed at myself for my silly misread. In spite of the correction, she continued to talk about her sense of ennui in New York, her rapidly growing, unsettling feeling that it can no longer give her what she needs. It's big and chaotic and has drained her of relationships. Yet, and we haven't discussed this recently but I know it to be true, moving back to Vermont is out of the question. She is not the person she was when she left. It could never take her back, and the Megan she is now would not want it to.

Meg's dilemma is a more modern and lesser-scale version of what I know to be the crisis of my parents' generation of Indians and all other immigrants who leave the only home they know for a place and a culture unknown to them. I learned much about this in a class I took at Duke about South Asian diasporic peoples. As we discussed, theoretically, the "un-homed-ness" that immigrants internalize as a part of their identities in a virtually alien world, I recognized immediately the elements of it: the way my parents have changed and adapted who they are to fit a society that makes no sense, making a circle of friends here of people who remind them of life in India, talking and laughing and reminiscing about school days in Mysore, the small villages they grew up in, all the things distant and unimaginable to me (for anyone who has read The Namesake, this is pretty much the point of the whole book). They do this, they hold on because it is who they are, but they could never go back. My parents, I know, never fooled themselves into believing that one day Rekha and I would grow up and have reaped the benefits of their long, grueling medical careers and then they would finally fly back overseas and return home. My dad wants a nice apartment in the city! I guess we all find those city sounds comforting :)

But they knew that would no longer be home. They have changed, and it has changed, and now where do they belong? They yearn for a world that has essentially disappeared.... Poof! It is gone.

********************************************************

Pieces of this continued to come to me in various conversations throughout the week. From Lauren's visit to Todd School, where we spent nearly every day from kindergarten through sixth grade, and Pooja's nostalgic and wonderful weekend at Duke, to editing Jamaal's essay about his journey from Gary, Indiana to success at Wharton and Andrew telling me over margaritas about how his parents' divorce created that same inability to return "home" because that place, literal and symbolic, is gone. They can only remember these things for what they were because they are now things of the past.

I wonder how we assuage ourselves in these moments of longing. For the circumstances of Todd School and Duke, they are the result of natural and necessary progression in life; the longing likely comes in fleeting instances and then vanishes, leaving us with smiles of the way those memories shape the people we are today. But for my parents, Jamaal, Andrew, and now me, it is there... always.

It is too soon to know how it will shape me. I do not doubt that it has already, but I know it will continue to, maybe forever. In what direction will the emptiness steer me? I know my parents taught me to look forward because life is about the steps we take in front of us... because it is impossible to go back. For them, I know that coming here was hard, and yet never once were they those parents who reminded me of what they sacrificed and left behind to give me the American life. They never told me what they turned their backs on to open their arms to a strange new world. As Andrew said, what we do is the main dish; what we come from is the garnish.

Nevertheless, I think that in a life wrought with upheaval and change, it is what we see when we look back over our shoulders that serves as our anchor and defines our consciousness.

Kiran was that for me. Without her, I feel exiled from myself. Un-homed. I am unrecognizable to myself. I cannot go back to that bedroom with her lying on the floor at my side, breathing her soft Kiran snore. But it is that image, and the others like it, flashing on the insides of my eyelids, that I hope will propel me forward to something lovely. I may always have that hole... the missing piece... but perhaps it just something I will have to take with me. The way my parents did for me.

Until then, I will try to figure out, somehow, a way to calm the restless, shiftless anxiousness that comes from my searching for something that is not there. Thanks to friends, once again, who are helping me cope. And thank God for the holidays... and being home, at least in one sense!

xox

My last story! Yes, the quarter is over ;)

ARTillery: Fighting for change through art, culture and diversity

There’s a saying: “You’re fattening frogs for snakes.” In the swamp of gentrification, artists are often these frogs, providing the basis for economic change in a neighborhood but ultimately getting pushed out of an area that becomes more attractive and more expensive. In Logan Square, Chicago ARTillery is working toward a shift in this paradigm.

The organization of artist-activists, as they label themselves, is not just another group of painters and sculptors joining together to promote their work; there is a deeper cause they have in mind. “We are leaders,” said Victor Montañez, who formed ARTillery in April 2009. “We are not only providing aesthetics, we are providing political thought.”

When it comes to taking a lead politically, ARTillery is ensuring their voices are heard as prominent community members. Montañez represented the collective at a meeting Tuesday about the development of a vacant historical building on Milwaukee Avenue. The building, as decided by 35th Ward Alderman Ray Colon in November 2008, is to be restored with TIF money as a commercial and residential facility with the second floor allotted specifically for arts organizations and the third floor for affordable housing units, said Martha Ramos, Colon’s Chief of Staff.

“We believe in being at the table where decisions are being made,” said Montañez.

Ramos talked about the process of how the building was designated for these purposes. In November 2006, Alderman Colon held a public meeting for people to voice their thoughts on how to use the space. With 300 people in attendance, it was a diverse crowd representative of Logan Square, she said. Most of the ideas presented were for housing – assisted living housing, veteran housing, supported services housing, low-income housing – and some were for retail space, corporate offices and arts centers.

Ultimately, however, there were only two official proposals as putting one together can cost thousands of dollars, according to Ramos. Those who may have been against the option for an arts facility, based on the reasoning that it would affect rent, taxes, and the general cost of living, likely could not have submitted a proposal. Other affordable residential initiatives have been put in place in the neighborhood, but the project discussed at Tuesday’s meeting is the first of its kind. Attempts to reach the Logan Square Neighborhood Association went unanswered.

“This was the more viable option to stimulate the community, bringing in housing but also being a catalyst in an area where there is such a need for change,” Ramos explained.

The building is especially significant to ARTillery’s goals. “Art is transformational,” Montañez said. “It has a domino effect. Some people say we bring in gentrification, but this could be different. We need to keep bringing art to public spaces, but we need institutional anchors to promote our objective, which is to maximize diversity.”

With this objective in mind, their definition of community is not restricted to artists or even to people of a certain socio-economic status or ethnic group. “I’m not talking about chasing one class out and pushing one class in,” Montañez said. “What we’re talking about is finding a new way to relate to one another so that we can all be successful and have a quality of life here.”

Familiar with the role artists can play in a given area, not just ones in transition, Montañez described the dichotomy between two models in which art operates. According to him, there are artists who feel they are the only defining factor in their work, fostering an elitist art world. Ironically, it is in this system, he said, that “the artist is exploited as a commodity that gets traded back and forth.”

ARTillery, with its public participation events where many people create together, functions under a different dynamic. For the 13 members, what they do is about “collaboration, inclusion and democracy.” Through involvement and relationships, they want to plant roots rather than be displaced and show that they are not only an economic stimulus, but a cultural and political stimulus as well.

So although the collective hopes to be a force of change for artists, their bigger mission is to be a force of change and empowerment for all who face the same crisis. Montañez feels the affordable housing section of the Milwaukee Avenue development is necessary since rents are going up for everyone in Logan Square. As new businesses spring up around the square and events such as arts festivals and farmers markets garner more and more attention, the neighborhood becomes an appealing option for residents with more money. In turn, it becomes less feasible for those lower-income families who have made a home for themselves there years ago.

While money certainly does help a neighborhood in many aspects, part of ARTillery’s purpose is to find a creative solution for the problem of putting roots down for one community at the expense of uprooting another. According to Montañez, the money is not the people’s true wealth.

“True wealth is what we have and what is lasting, and that is culture,” he said.

********************************************************************

So that is my story. Actually, this was my very first story idea at the beginning of beat reporting in October, but in a broader sense of gentrification and what the role is of the creative person, group, or business. I so fortuitously stumbled upon this organization, whose primary concern seems to be this very issue - how to sustain the communities that define a neighborhood while making it a better place in certain aspects that beg for change. Amidst reducing crime, improving education, and beautifying an area with gardens and sanitation systems, how do you avoid the inevitable? Making a neighborhood or district "better" brings in new people, and this is often considered positive for all parties involved. But what about those who lived there before? Do they get to benefit from the new, favorable changes? The concept of segregation is not a new one: whether it be along the lines of race and ethnicity or income levels, it is rare to find a section of any city where different types of people live together happily and comfortably. It is the reality of our society and economics. I've thought about this in the past when Jamaal discusses his desire to turn Gary around and encourage investment and business development there... is it possible to achieve that without simply driving the current residents out?

Anyway, it's not a question to be answered immediately, but one that requires serious thought over time. I admire ARTillery's commitment to facing this challenge. And although my time covering the arts beat on the Northwest Side has come to an end, I hope to continue to learn from this rich and interesting world that has defined my first experiences as a journalist. Oh! Aaaand I just realized, after having a drink with Andrew (classmate across the street), that I was THE feature article this week. I was complaining to him that the slot editors kept giving me crap about changing shit around, which I did, and I was like ughhh who knows how today turned out. And he said, "Um, I think you were at the top." And I just looked, and I am!! Yay for being the best. That's right, THE BEST.

XO

Oh and I just liked this picture I took at the art show :)

Lazy Friday During "Finals" Week. Oops.

Last night was the first Chicago snowfall (or flurryfall I guess), and it's nice and toasty in my little orange-walled, zebra-rug studio. Instead of filing a story today, I requested a research day to start my interviews with artists and their children for a story on the hope and even pressure that some artists/writers/musicians place on their kids to pursue creative paths. It's an interesting story considering my position. I guess you could say I'm not exactly an objective observer, but I don't believe in that concept anyway, so whatever.

So yes I am at home, in sweats, reaching out to artists on the Northwest Side, and waiting for my professor to give me direction on whom to talk to as an official source on the American ideal of having a career that makes tons and tons of money and shunning professions that many times are not even viewed as professions but are just as intellectually stimulating and require just as much, if not more, talent and smarts. I should mention that as it has suddenly gotten cold in the past few days, I have seen two disgusting, evil, crawling creatures in my apartment. One was a cockroach that I murdered with my flip flop yesterday, and the other was (I believe) a baby version of that enormous house centipede that my mom referred to as "an animal" when I was moving in. I killed that one too. This is a source of pride for me as I was tempted to call Andrew or random kid from across the hall whose name I still don't know but who came over for the glass of wine. So much for cozy apartment!! All the bugs want to join me :( Assholes.

I'm also doing laundry, so I'm not totally worthless. The elevator worker men keep making cracks at me every time I go downstairs about how they also wish they were grad students who could "take the day off." I'm like BLAAAAH I'm working tomorrow and Sunday! Because of that, I am going to get a little drunk this afternoon. Oh, and I had two finals on Tuesday, so I deserve at least one drunken escapade this week.

Last night I finished Sylvia Plath's "The Bell Jar." I know, I know, I'm about 12 years too late. But still, I stand by my belief that many books fed to kids and teenagers would be much better understood - and more importantly, the lessons learned from them would be applied to real life - if read years later. My 180 degree experience with "Tess of the D'Urbervilles" (best book ever) continues to be my main proof of this point. Anywho, since I am a huge fan of the adolescent angst books, I finally delved into "The Bell Jar." I'm not sure I love Esther Greenwood's voice as much as I love Holden Caulfield's, but they are unique characters of course, so I guess I love them in different ways. However, the many descriptions of the book and the protagonist are so accurate; Esther's mindset and perspective are not merely convincing, but her slip into insanity seems almost proper. There is nothing "crazy" about it whatsoever. It's easy and tempting to follow her journey from success and silent, albeit disdainful, compliance with society to complete delusion, but it is impossible to identify any one moment when the bell jar fully descends over her.


My favorite part of books in this genre is always the astute analysis of teeny tiny events and circumstances. "The Bell Jar" in particular is sort of fragmented into a series of these, so you see less of the big picture, and more just little things that you have to string together yourself, and you think "she seems fine to me." But you then you realize that in the interim between her last clever observation and one you're reading about, she tried to kill herself. But even that, in the midst of it all, seems normal and fitting. I don't know, I just love it!

I laughed out loud at this part when she is with this girl Joan in her room at the asylum.

"I like you."
"That's tough, Joan," I said, picking up my book. "Because I don't like you. You make me puke, if you want to know."
And I walked out of the room, leaving Joan lying, lumpy as an old horse, across my bed.

Haha! And it's not even supposed to be like a conflict or anything; she just says that, as if she's saying, "Excuse me, I have to use the bathroom." Oh Esther!

Okay, so yea, if you like those books, and you're sorta feministy, and you, like me, have neglected to pick it up, do it now! Oh, and I also love Curtis Sittenfeld's "Prep," in spite of its criticisms. I did not love "I Am Charlotte Simmons." And f*ck that whole it's-about-Duke-thing. It's about everyewhere. That is all.

Happy wintry day. Pray for no more scary monsters in my house.

Rock and Roll

I am obsessed with this child. At first I was just obsessed with her outfit, but then I asked if I could take a picture of her (well, no, I asked her mom if I could), and she cheesed it up and posed, as you can see. I was like wow, what a wee little ball of sass. Her name is Madeline, which I also thought was adorable, and I noticed her tiny Converse high-tops and gold lame leggings as I left an interview on the North Side of Chicago. I had no idea that she'd be so thrilled to bless me with her bit of bad-ass-ness. I was quite pleased.

Maybe one day I will pop out a few of these myself. Only if they promise to be cool like Madeline :P

Beautiful Roots

Happy December all! It's a very happy month for a few reasons: the holidays, duh, which means tons of yummy treats and twinkly lights and all that good stuff, the grand anniversary of my oh-so-awesome birth, aaaaand winter break! I am in school, yes, I get a winter break. It's insane. But true. Be jealous, it's okay.

I've been thinking a lot about how I want to spend the break reading, writing, and once again designing for fun :) Someone who loves me, please buy me Bina Abling's "Fashion Sketchbook" as this is the the design illustration handbook.


So in anticipation of sitting down and getting some good drawing done, I started dreaming of all the fun Indian-inspired creations out there and doing a bit of research. One day, when I get married, I will design what I wear. I think this would be such a fun way to get my hands into fashion that symbolizes my history and heritage as well as my future. Okay, enough of that.

Look what I found!


It's from Marchesa Spring 2008 RTW. I love the way different designers infuse Indian design elements into their ideas, and this Marchesa, to me, is a masterpiece. So if you buy me the book, you can toss this in as well ;)

Fashion photo credit: style.com

Black Friday yippeeee

Okay, so I should not be buying things because, let's be honest, I have no money. But I think these were really good deal and I still commend myself for not having graduated to designer shoe brands :)

Anywaaay, I bought these online at Steve Madden and I'm damn excited for them and you should be too (for me)!


They are not very practical for my normal life because of those killer heels. But I really can't wait to wear them on my birthday and I am going to be cute, so if you see me, please tell me that I am cute thanks. Oh and about that - I think I mentioned this in an earlier post - I am not changing the blog name to twentysevenandcharming because that's retarded and I'm just not doing it!

That's all for now folks.

Happy shopping xo

Photo credit: www.stevemadden.com

Recapitulation

Hello lovelies. Wait, do people read this? :)

Happy Sunday to all. I've had a very full weekend in terms of having done a little of everything that I think constitutes as weekend activities - on Friday, after having a meltdown to Jamaal about the fact that I continue to have no friends, I decided to force myself to go out to a party for which I had to find the details on facebook. I only tell you this because I'm secure enough in my coolness that I can divulge the secrets of my (what I consider to be novel) loserdom. So yea, facebook is still awesome in many ways. Before I went, I shared a bottle of wine with this kid who lives down the hall - a side about that: I met him in the elevator or something a while ago and I think he's like 22 or 23 and he texts me every now and then on Saturday nights asking if I'm out or where I am and stuff like that; I never answer and I'm not even sure what his name is, but I decided that part of my being social would include this brief drink together. Then I cabbed it over to this karaoke bar with the kid who lives across the street, Andrew, who is in my class and pretty cool. I'd say I call him a friend, but still I feel like a creepy loner. I should clarify that while I don't think this is the biggest deal, it's still just WEIRD having the sense that no one really has a compelling urge to say "Chaya, a lot of people are going to insert-cheesy-bar-here tonight, do you want to come?" And instead I have to stalk the party information two hours before I would need to be there. BAAAAAAH. I'll admit that this may partly be due to my putting off an independent, I-don't-need-to-sit-at-the-cool-people-lunch-table vibe (cuz, hi, I don't, I've been there since 3rd grade and that phase is dunzo), but effing still!

Sooo, I proceeded to get drunk, duh, and the people I was with (yes, I was with people) decided to go back to this girl CJ's apartment after the bar closes. Here, the bars close at 2, so it wasn't THAT late yet. Oh, and CJ is a girl I invited out because I am nice and tell people about social events I hear about instead of hoarding the coveted information. That's normal, right?? So we get there, and I think I fell asleep in a chair, but the other four people talked until about 4:30. I probably woke up at like 4, starving and really out of it. To contribute to my current awkwardness, I think I made things even weirder between me and these classmates because rather than taking a welcome opportunity to bond, I vaguely recall that I just sort of watched them talk until I found a moment to say it was time for me to go home. But seriously, I was wasted and it was the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!! I guess I just have to hope they don't think that I am a boring, socially-inept idiot. The circumstances, in my opinion, obviated the rules of normalcy. Anyway, at home I devoured three grilled cheese sandwiches before going to bed. And of course in the morning I was dying of my hangover. What else is new, right? Oh, and then I threw up on the street on the way to my haircut. Oops.

Sheba, the woman who cut my hair, is awesome. I wrote about her salon, Sparrow, in my story about Logan Square. She is, like, the it hair person in Chicago :) We talked about fashion (Tavi, in particular!), restaurants, America's ignorance about how cosmopolitan - or not - we are, long-distance relationships, and a little more Tavi. It was interesting to me that I felt more myself and at home talking to her as she chopped into my massive mane than I do in so many other aspects of my existence. I felt that all-familiar excitement that often bubbles inside me now... the sense that I am entering a world where I belong, one that I have longed for and been aware of but never touched. It's like now, everywhere I go, I meet people who are writers or designers or artists and architects. They don't think of their lives as weird or worse than the lives of those who keep somewhat more "conventional" professions. It's almost like there are parallel universes. As long as I continued straight in one, I'd never be able to truly find the other. I made a turn in the past months, though. I did.

After that, I had a nice long conversation with Meg, my best NY buddy with whom I sorely miss getting Saturday manicures in the West Village, sharing cheese and multiples bottles of wine at cute Italian places on the LES, and guzzling numerous dirty martinis at bars I couldn't afford. We pretty much hit on the main points of our usual theme - how tumultuous and confusing this odd stage of life is. When will it end? How did no one ever tell us that your twenties are full of never-ending bullshit? What will we do to figure out who we are and what defines us in this new and unique phase? How can we trust our gut when we don't even know ourselves? For both of us, we discussed how we feel it's a time for big decisions and for change... but what direction will we choose and what must we do to secure happiness in those choices? It felt good to talk. Meg is one of those friends who you can guarantee will offer up good, analytical conversation. I never have to worry that I'll say things and she'll be dumbfounded. It's always a healthy exchange and we totally get each other. After Kiran passed away, she was the only person who wrote me a handwritten card and put it in the mail. In a time when texts and emails count as sufficient communication, her tiny, heartfelt effort meant so much. And then, months later, she sent another card, just saying, "I am still thinking of you." To me, sometimes, these are the things in friendship that just stand out and which I remember. Living in a city where I feel alone and much of my interaction with people is me sticking a recorder in someone's face and asking them questions, after which I make sure to get their age and the correct spelling of their name, connecting with friends on the phone - and being able to discuss the real issues that pertain to us, now, everyday and in the larger context of life - is essential for my sanity. Especially when I had grown accustomed, for 16+ years of my life, to talking to Kiran five times daily.

Sumanth and Angie, Kiran's friend, came over for a low-key night of more wine (I sound like an alcoholic) and greasy Mexican food (and I sound like a fatass). This too was good for me. Not only did my hangover persist through late evening, but it's always so comforting to be with people who loved Kiran the way I did. I can cry and it's not weird. I can rehash the events of April 7th and ask what they were thinking or doing at different times that day and it's not uncomfortable. I can confess that I thought she was going to come back, I was so sure of it, and it's not crazy. And I can say genuinely that she was a different kind of person, a different kind of friend, and they agree.

I guess my point is that things are interesting right now. I am lucky and thankful for how far I've come. I still mean it when I say that I feel like a new person after leaving advertising-hell and doing what I think I was always meant to do - write! I even am not sick the way I used to be. I think we all remember my constant illnesses, the colds, the many cases of bronchitis, the omnipresent stomach issues... it's amazing what stress (for me, emotional stress) can do to your body. And it's amazing how quickly your body responds when you put that stress behind you. I've made huge strides, and I feel them. Many days, I just smile and I know I am radiating my hopefulness and a new serenity. But then, there are days where my sorrow envelops me. It's inexplicable. It's just a feeling of complete emptiness and I think I'm spiraling downward in world that seems foreign because Kiran is not here. I was telling Jamaal the other day that if she thought I was having a hard time being far away, she would book a ticket and come see me. We planned our lives around each others successes and impending mini-disasters. And still, after many months, I have to say out loud what happened on that spring night to try to grasp it. Can you believe it?? Because I can't.

I try to hold high my value of balance in life, to appreciate that all things come in opposites. It is how God (or whatever you believe in) created the world. There is no day without night. There is no warmth without cold. There is no bliss without despair. One of the things I spoke about at Kiran's funeral was how, together, we focused on the importance and necessity of balance. Even in adolescence, we taught each other to navigate the vicissitudes of growing up by remembering that all things have their counterpart, as the world teeters upon a fragile fulcrum. But she embodied this notion of balance. She was exuberant but exuded an equanimity; she was childlike but possessed great wisdom; she was innocent but never naive; she was delicate but, for me, like a rock.

Right now, I believe that timing is everything. I made the big change this year, and it is this that tethers me to some semblance of stability and keeps me from being pulled under by the current in my waves of grief. I can only be grateful for the place I'm in, no matter how difficult everything continues to be. And also for those people who show me support, and more than that, unwavering constancy...

I haven't accomplished anything yet, but I can say for certain that it will mean nothing when I do if I don't have people to share it with.

But I will. For her.

Why this is not New York...

So last night, I wore this Diane von Furstenburg dress from her Spring 2007 RTW collection. I had to find something that worked for the benefit gala thing I was covering at a theater but that was also not too fancy to wear to the party I was headed to after. I chose said dress (above), as it's always been a favorite. And, as you can see, there was another little chickity dressed as my twin. She came over to me, we both laughed and said, "How random!"

However, as I proceeded to say, "I know, crazy, we both decided on this same piece from two years ago!" I heard her simultaneously say, "It's so weird that we're both wearing DVF when most people wear, like, H&M!"

I was half embarrassed at my ignorant comment about the dress being from, I dunno, nine collections ago, while she was shocked by the mere fact that we might both be in something other than mass retail fashion. But it also made me nostalgic about New York, a New York that is considered bitchy and pretentious, but which I have come to know my way around, a world in which there is a mutual understanding about certain things... like designer items being everywhere, and that it's not necessarily weird to be wearing the same dress as someone, but instead that we had both selected something from the archives! ;)

BTW, I'm not saying I think I am above H&M. I'm of course a fan. Want to give that disclaimer :P Just missing the little big city. And think this is a fun pic!

Oh! And check out my press pass. Tee hee hee.

Why, hello

Hi there, little bluish-aubergine satiny ruffled folded-napkin-looking concoction! This Aquilano.Rimondi piece speaks for itself. Unique design, amazing draping and in a color that happens to be a personal favorite. The dress was featured in a Style.com article about the trend away from Christian Dior's 1954 words about favoring the black cocktail dress, and towards, what else, color! I for one have always loved color for dresses, in spite of black being an obvious staple, and this is a beautiful one that brings out the beauty in all skin shades. Basically... yes to this dress :)

Photo credit: Marcio Madeira/Style.com

Foliage and Frills

Fall in the Windy City has turned out to be FABULOUS, although sometimes true to its name. Watch, now tomorrow there's going to be a hail storm. Oh my god, did I ever talk about the hail storm in Paris! It was the day I said I was gonna run out and grab gelato, and in five minutes it went from like 100 degrees to the sky was falling down and large chunks of ice attacked the streets - and the people! I seriously was scared that one would come flying into my head. Crazy Parisian ice balls. Anywhosie (that's a Bay Wee term), I have been loving the autumnal bliss. This weekend was 70 degrees, which did not make me complain one bit, but yesterday and today were perfect, sunshiny but with a refreshing fall chill. It made me want to eat a pumpkin... wait, I guess I mean carve a pumpkin :)

Check out my pics that I took creepily on campus and in/near my apartment!







Yes, these are amazing. Me = fatass.


Now, the best part. Clothes?? DUH.

I think, amazing for fall: Cotton dress with lace accents, little blazer with fun lining, colored tights, and the small details that make all the difference...


Headband. Keeps my appendages warm, and looks tres cool.


Pretty flats are never wrong! Ankle boots work here too :)


Aaaand do not forget your pretty nails. I know some people don't think yellow is "pretty" but it's been my favorite since I was a tot, and I was excited to dip my fingers in some yellow polish.
Oh yea sorry this pic is teeny. You get the point.


That's all for me today. Oh, btw, none of the pieces Petite Babu's ensemble costs mucho dinero - helloooo I'm a student. Actually, everything is from the closet, which shows why we must all learn to use what we have! Just kidding, SHOPPING FOR ALL. Okay, but for real, mix it up and let your smaller items define the look. It's fun :)

I'd take more photos of myself but I dropped my camera and the screen did that multi-color thing that means something terrible is happening inside of it and then it stopped working. Oops.

Alrighty. I'm an old woman so I gots ta get to bed.

Bonsoir amis xox

Fashion Repeats Itself

Okay, so I'll admit I haven't been as on top of things as I should be in regards to what I want to cover. Sorry, I'm in grad school, geez! BUT as I was browsing some collections (ahem, market research), I came upon Tsumori Chisato Spring 2010 and couldn't help but notice elements vaguely reminiscent of her sailor-inspired designs from three years ago - yes, the ones featured in the marine museum in Paris!

This time around, I of course saw the nautical theme, but I also saw an infusion of fantasy, a child's birthday party, clowns, frosting and confetti... I love the way these distinct themes come together in the prints and the shapes.

Let's have a looksy :)




The beach! I love, do I not?




I wanted to keep the order (even though this isn't the entire collection), but this is my FAVORITE!! I adore the stripes - two different stripe patterns - with ruffles and ruching. There is a definite child-like feel to it. I know what you're thinking, you wouldn't wear it. I don't care!



Wait, another favorite? Mixing of fabrics of textures while keeping it monochromatic. The collar is awesome and probably quite itchy.



Enter, black. I like the switch from stripes to polka dots. This dress keeps with the theme of the collection, but also deviates just enough... sailing on night waters perhaps?




This is yummy. Yea yea, I hate it too when people use that word about stuff that's not edible. But seriously, this dress is a cupcake, duh. YUMMMMY. Oh, and it's so effing cute. (Lydi, remember "so f**king cute"? hahaa). Check out her shoes.


Love the final piece. I probably wouldn't wear this, but the colors and fabric come together beautifully. I'm thinking... Sebastian, Ariel, under the sea :)

I love it all. And I still love those little TC silk shorts from SP07.

Oh yea, I kissed a cute sailor once during fleet week, have I mentioned that? It may be relevant here. Yep, and he let me wear his little sailor uniform hat. Or I seized it, I can't remember. So fun! Fashion might be more fun though. Does that make me pathetic?

Ah, well... goodnight!

Photo credit: nymag.com

Yesterday's Story :)

Symbiosis in Logan Square

Partons sit amongst art done by Chicago ARTillery, a Logan Square art collective, in New Wave Coffee Thursday

Think business and art are worlds apart? Think again. In Logan Square, the lives of entrepreneurs and artists are closely intertwined, and sometimes, they are one and the same.

The exhibition in New Wave Coffee officially ended Monday, but art remained on the walls Thursday, as the café owners awaited another round of paintings by area artists. “They want the space to be part of the community,” said Adrienne Makhoul, 27, a barista.

The artists have few rules, she explained, the main one being that they must be local. All of the pieces there until Friday are the work of Chicago ARTillery, an organization of mainly Logan Square artists.

Other neighborhood spots seem to be on board as well with the trend of adding local color to their establishments. At Lula Café on North Kedzie Boulevard, there are two curators who are “completely in charge” of the selection of art displayed in the restaurant, said owner Jason Hammel.

Art is a part of the fabric of businesses surrounding the square, made evident by their curators and collections of canvases. But the neighborhood businesses’ commitment to embracing the arts goes deeper than merely asking native talent to donate some paintings. A bigger part of this picture is the workers at these cafés, shops, and salons who are also painters, sculptors and musicians.

“I have a history of hiring working artists or people who are doing things creatively on the side,” said Hammel, who co-owns Lula with his wife, musician Amalea Tshilds. Some of the bartenders and waiters are also members of bands. “It has a lot of artistic qualities,” he said.

Hammel also wants to show support for artists who may not have much money. “One of our principles is to offer high and low items,” he said. “We have one of the lowest-priced PBRs (Pabst Blue Ribbon) in the city, but we also have a $60 bottle of wine. It’s a connecting place for people.”

Caleb Yono, 28, a painter who works at Fleur, a flower boutique around the corner from Lula said, “There are a lot of culturally minded people here.” He added that Logan Square isn’t like Pilsen in terms of the number of artists, but that makes it a smaller network.

“It’s one world, a very tight-knit group,” said John Biggers, the receptionist at Sparrow Hair, a Logan Square salon, when describing the unique relationship between business owners and artists in the neighborhood.

John Biggers prepares for a busy day at Sparrow Hair

According to Biggers, 26, Sparrow is a place that came about as a “super collaborative effort of a lot of people who dabble their toes in everything.” The owners are both in bands and cut the hair of the musicians who play at the salon, which transforms into a live-music venue on Saturday nights, he said.

It’s no wonder the Sparrow women want to give a little back. “They know a lot of people who helped in the design,” Biggers said. “Their friends who are artists helped them realize the dream of this space.”

Businesses and artists are not the only ones who benefit from this synergy. Logan Square Chamber of Commerce Executive Director Paul Levin expressed his appreciation for these relationships.

“There is a tremendous interest in the arts here, and this can be used as an economic development tool,” Levin said. “We encourage that. If a neighborhood becomes known as one where the arts are valued, you tend to attract a creative population, and then all kinds of good stuff happens!”


I know this shit looks easy, but it's not when you have to come up with a story idea, report on it, write it and turn in your story by 3 pm. And then do it the next day. And the next day! Respeck me. Yea.

Just wanted to share another tidbit ;)

Rising Stars

As some of you may know, because I announced it oh so proudly, I went to an event last weekend in Chicago and was on the official "press list," which was very exciting for me. Yes, I got to stand on the special line when I arrived and sat in "Section A" at the fashion show. Section A was right in front, in case that's not evident :P

The event was the culmination of Chicago's Fashion Focus Week, a stretch of days filled with the type of stuff we love! Trunk shows, seminars and lectures for those aspiring to be part of the fashion industry, shopping specials, fabric and trim shows, and of course runway shows. Sadly, as I actually do have to go to school and complete the work that I am paying $50K to do, I was not able to attend all of these (how much fun would that have been?!), but I think I went to the best one!


Gen Art Fresh Faces in Fashion is an annual event that took place this year in New York, LA, and Chicago and has helped launch the careers of some stars, the no-longer-so-fresh faces of: Zac Posen, Rebecca Taylor, Lara Miller, woohoo! This year, the designers featured were C/FAN, Imaginary People, Kristin Hassan, JLee Silver, Red Doll by Tatyana Merenyuk, Emma Carroll, and Dorsia - all authentic Chicago talent... and talent they do have.

Take a look at some of the designs that I felt stood out and were true gems in the show (and that I actually was able to get decent shots of).

I adore the classic yet sexy look of this little white minidress by JLee Silver. The flattering silhouette of the slight-tulip skirt is always a favorite of mine. I think this piece is perfect casual day-wear, especially when paired with the vest, but can also have a subtle, quiet glamour to it. In my closet, please?



This Imaginary People ensemble was a highlight to me. It seemed to have a lot of elements of their signature artsy style. The high-waisted patterned skinny pant is refreshing and catches the eye, invoking a geometric floral print or fragmented glass. This is an awesome look to me, especially from the back!



The ultimate party dress. Metallic and tulle with a flower petal print on the bodice - this dress stole the show for Tatyana Merenyuk. The additional fabric sitting right above the waist, folded beautifully in the origami trend, really made the design difference here to me.


More Red Doll. Cute but edgy. LOVE IT.



Final Red Doll piece. This is elegant and beautiful, and I think the black really works with the cut-out silhouette, creating balance and making the dress wearable. (Sorry I didn't get better pics of it.)


This was the the other evening gown, and it was also gorgeous but with a bit of a softer look. The color, once again, makes the piece interesting and adds a little spice to a romantic style. The little redhead is the designer, Tatyana, and she's adorable! And extremely smart, as we can see from her work. I can't wait to her more about her as she blows up. I'm sure she will.

So yea, I'm sorry that I'm obsessed with everything, but can we all remember what I was doing not that long ago? Eeeek. I'm so happy! I love being a part of this :)

Oh! And i set up my first face-to-face interview with a designer today. I'm working hard in my endeavors to continue to get more involved in the fashion community here, hopefully working with designers and other fashion professionals to reinforce each others' success. I think that's what a community is, and I hope to be a rising star, just like these amazing artists.

check them out!
http://www.reddollbytm.com
http://www.imaginarypeopleonline.com/fashion
http://lookbook.jleesilver.com

Photo credit: ME, bitches!

What do I do at school?

So, I want to make it clear that by no means do I think this is interesting to watch or even high in quality or on the spectrum of video editing proficiency, but I'm still always so excited about how much I'm learning! And while this may look like a two-minute clip about some dude you've never seen before, it's really hours and hours of work - shooting scenes repeatedly and then editing to put it all together to make a seamless story. In a nutshell, this shit was hard. Watch it now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQVF8JlNszk
(It was too big to upload to this site, sorry dudes, you may have to copy & paste)

The point here is merely that I'm not in Excel for 14 straight hours a day working with budgets and GRPs to make sure people buy products that I don't care about (although the "puck" that will clean the inside of your front-load washing machine was SO cool). If you don't understand the profundity of what I mean, then you clearly haven't been there.

YIPPEEEE!

Andrew did his video package on me attempting to start working out because I have a little fitness room in my building. I did ten push-ups and kissed my bicep. Hopefully he'll include that clip. Can't wait til that one is shown in class :)

Now that we have learned how to write simple quick reporting print story styles, record and edit audio stories, create audio-visual projects (essentially slideshows but, no, this is not in PowerPoint), and shoot and edit video, we'll begin reporting full time this week! And the Arts & Culture beat went to none other than moi. So if anyone hears of cool shit going on in the Northwest Side of Chicago, please pass on the privileged info.

Yes, I'm home on a Saturday night posting to my blog. Still working on that friends thing ;) Hehe niiiiight <3

Random Thoughts

The other day, another student and I were discussing this path we've chosen, to be writers and journalists, the romanticism, the hardship, the bullshit of it all! We (not just us here, but all of us, everywhere) get so wrapped up in our day to day duties that our careers demand of us, the constant taxing tasks, that we rarely step back and think about what we are doing. And more than that, why? Here though, this year, I hope to think of it a lot and often.

This student said, as we discussed our successful, generous, and sacrificing parents, what they may want from us, and the ways in which we may have failed them... and the ways in which we have made them proud beyond belief:

"My grandfather was a bricklayer so my father could be a doctor; my father was a doctor so I could be an artist."

I don't know if this was actually true of his own life or if it is some saying I have somehow missed before. It struck me though. For so long, I've battled the things I love and want, the things that make me what I am and make me tick. And then I heard this... my father was a doctor so I could be an artist... Maybe that's it.

Thank you thank you thank you to my Mommy and Daddy.

A Labor of Love

This is a tad late, but many have asked me to share more about the Parsons program I did in Paris this summer - what kept me up until the wee hours, what I liked about it, etc. so I want to show some of the work I did. It was such an interesting experience because I came in with literally no knowledge about anything we were doing in the class; by the end, I felt I had discovered an untapped source of happiness, something that was always within me but only now had a chance to come out. I know I'm still a beginner, but I was proud of what I accomplished in my four short weeks!

I have to give beaucoup de credit to my teachers, David Leung (design concepts) and Vasilija Zivanic (fashion illustration) - Vasi's website is http://vasilija.com if anyone wants to check our her awesome work - for bringing me from the girl who hadn't drawn since 4th grade to one of the more dedicated and passionate students. Basically, Vasi taught us a lot of techniques and important aspects of illustration for fashion design before we could actually create anything in David's class, where we learned what qualifies as a cohesive yet varied collection, how an inspiration or mood can translate into clothing, what defines a designer's style, and how to bring ourselves and our identities into what we created. All of it was so much fun and I am looking into taking a fashion drawing class in Chicago during a different semester when I have more time. It was artistic, eye-opening, liberating, and... pretty much just a blast :)

Here are a couple of things that can give an idea of the projects in Vasi's class, from the first days to the end.

Learning to draw a fashion figure; that's mine on the right


Can you guess which is mine :)


Some combination of my work and Vasi's... She did the face, duh


Drawing denim


Stripes


Large florals... using water with markers for a "bleedy" effect - that's Vasi's word (this is a drawing of a runway image, I don't know who the designer is sorry)


Understanding color groups and the color wheel


Just for fun :) Also done from working off of a magazine cutout

Now, in conjunction with drawing, shading, coloring, and painting, we needed to use these skills and apply them to real ideas. Every week, we had to design a collection - based on an inspiration or theme, we had to think up and draw 20-30 pieces. Monday or Tuesday we would tell David our theme and show him our mood board (a collection of images mounted formally onto a board that presents your color scheme, silhouettes, and the overall inspiration for your designs); Wednesday we'd have to show him our full collection, just drawn in our sketch books, and he would approve (or in some cases disapprove) of our work; and Thursday we'd present to the class final finished illustrations of 3-5 of our best designs that, together, were representative of the full collection. This was A LOT of work!

The first day's assignment was just rendering other designers' pieces from runway images. This was for David and the class to see what types of styles we each chose and get an idea of who we are.

I chose a combination of Badgley Mischka, Oscar de la Renta, Temperley London, Chanel, and Stella McCartney. David knew immediately what defined my style :)

The first collection assignment was decade-inspired. I chose the 60s and sort of fused mod with hippie, using geometric shapes but also a large paisley in many of my designs. I won't show my mood boards for anything except my final project... just the finishes. A lot of the sweat though was in those first 20 drawings, but you can see the fruits of that labor!
First attempt at using color for my croquis, very streaky eek. And I think the photo is tilted a little, I didn't draw them all leaning to one side!

Using the first collections for reference, the class chose a designer each of us was sort of like and another one who was our opposite. David and class decided my work was Roberto Cavalli-esque, based on the decade project, and hence I was assigned Michael Kors as my opposite designer (I was crossing my fingers for Jil Sander). Collection #2 was to be done as if I worked under Michael Kors. This was meant to be challenging for us, and it was! Many students found it extremely frustrating to put their own style aside, but it is imperative when you're taking instructions from a designer above you.

I did a winter collection for MK, and here are three of my finishes:
I was critiqued here for not including a suit in my final presentation, and my lavender skirt ought to have been black or charcoal. Yes, this affected my grade. Oops!

Next was a group project, so six other designs were presented but Sharon and Rachel took theirs home and I don't have pics of them right now. Together, we had quite a good collection and ours was chosen for the final exhibition. Group work is a bitch, I think we all can agree on that, and it's even worse in creative pursuits. Ultimately, we came up with a Middle Eastern/Arabian theme, and we successfully designed a unified and beautiful collection, in my humble opinion ;) Here are my three finishes:
We used a vibrant color palette of red, orange, Prussian blue, cream and gold, as well as inspiration from Arabic lettering and Islamic architecture in our designs. The class approved!

For the final, we had a truly thought provoking project, one that gave us an opportunity to show different aspects of ourselves and our creativity as well as interests in other areas of our lives. But it was not easy. Basically we had to choose a historical or iconic figure, real or fictional, and choose a modern day woman who embodies the persona or style of the original figure, then design a collection for your modern figure.. This was harder than it sounds. We had to do two mood boards, one for each person, and the designs had to draw upon inspirations from both, coming together to create one collection. So for example, people chose pairs such as Betty Boop and Dita Von Teese, Bob Marley and M.I.A., Marilyn Monroe and Scarlett Johansson, Jackie O. and Carla Bruni, you get the idea.

Well, me being me, I wanted to do Dagny Taggart. Yes, of Taggart Transcontinental! I love Atlas Shrugged! I'm such a dork :P David was very skeptical of this as Dagny is a fictional character with no physical representation; she's just someone in a book and no illustrations have been made of her, so what was I going off of in terms of determining her style personality? But I am so passionate about what she represents, and I also thought this would be a stimulating challenge for me because the designs would likely be a contrast to anything that is currently considered "my style." I originally thought Cate Blanchett or Hilary Swank were really good representations for the modern version of my character and was really excited. But this was not the assignment; we were not supposed to find people who would be cast to play this role well. I needed to think of someone who is like Dagny - strong, selfish, successful, possibly considered cold and ruthless. I was like ughhhh I dunno!

The class heard my frustration, and someone chimed in "Anna Wintour!" And it call came together. How perfect... especially for me :) So there it was. And here is my work, including inspiration boards:
Dagny mood board, depicting NY in the 20s, an art deco theme, hard lines, and an industrial feel


Anna Wintour mood board, showing her glamour and NY now, and of course, Atlas in Rockefeller Center

The finishes - I did six of them and was up until 7 am perfecting the details:
For work


For cocktails


For the Red Carpet

And I got an A! David told the class how hard my project was and that my dedication paid off. I was probably glowing :) Most of the details are not visible in these photos, but tried to be very meticulous with the illustration. The evening gown is supposed to be rectangular metallic plates strung together, with white sequins on the bust and in that slit in the back, and the black is actually supposed to be sheer, but I couldn't achieve the transparent effect, with a sprinkling of silver glitter. Very Dagny, very Anna!

Anyway, that's the gist of it. Passion-filled, rewarding, awesome. It was such an intellectual journey too, all of the creating, churning out ideas and struggling to have it all make sense. It was an absolute thrill to me. I couldn't imagine having to sell it too!

********************************************************************

On the very last day, a photographer who works with a lot of big-name designers and prestigious fashion media companies (Mikael Vojinovic - check out his work online) came to talk to us about the industry. At one point, he asked us, "Why do you do this?" Kat, a girl in the class, piped up, "We're in love." Other people began responding at once: "Love." "We love it." "I can't live without it." "I love it all!" This was not a shock to me, yet it was so poignant, it made me tear up. I was so happy. I had never been a part of anything like this. I felt so far away from the self and life I knew for so long, but it felt so right, it fit, it clicked, it was me.

That was the thing about all of this - they were in love. And I was too.

Unbelievable.